


Five Minutes

by Diamond_Raven



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Bittersweet Ending, Disabled Character, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Institutions, Not A Fix-It, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 09:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diamond_Raven/pseuds/Diamond_Raven
Summary: Before Steve finds him, Bucky suffers from extreme memory loss as a result of the electro-shock torture Hydra subjected him to. Six years later, he’s in a permanent care facility, living five minutes at a time.





	Five Minutes

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, Bucky has a permanent mix of anterograde amnesia and retrograde amnesia. If you’d like more information about these particular conditions before reading the fic, please refer to the end notes. You don’t need to understand the details of these conditions in order to understand the fic.
> 
> I love comments in any size, shape or form and I love chatting with readers, so it means the world to me if you took the time to write me a comment if you enjoy the story!

 

Blinking, he realizes he’s finally awake. After being asleep for such a long, long time, he’s finally awake! Oh, this is great!

Sitting up in bed, he throws the covers off himself and looks around the room he’s in. There’s sunshine streaming in through a window and a picture of a smiling man sits on the table next to the bed. Getting out of bed, he picks up the framed photo and as he stares at it, he feels himself smiling. The man has no name, but the man’s face makes him feel…something nice. It makes him feel warm and safe.

There’s a knock on the door and a man steps inside. “Good morning, Bucky!”

Bucky. He knows that name. He knows that name! Oh, this is exciting! “That’s my name!”

He hears a voice in his head, a voice that calls him ‘Buck’, but that voice doesn’t sound like this man.

The new man—who doesn’t look like the man in the photograph—smiles happily. “Yes, it is! Good morning!”

“Good morning,” Bucky says, returning the smile. He doesn’t know this new man, but he seems friendly and he feels he needs to be polite. “What’s your name?”

“My name’s Mike.”

Mike sounds like a nice name. “It’s nice to meet you, Mike!”

“It’s very nice to meet you too, Bucky. Are you ready to start your day?” Mike asks.

“Yes!” He’s finally awake after so much darkness, so he’s excited to get going.

“Alright, let’s find you some clothes you’d like to wear.”

Mike gestures for Bucky to come to a nearby drawer and opens it. Bucky notices there’s another photo of the same smiling man sitting on the drawer, and that makes Bucky very happy. He’s never seen that man before in his life, but it makes him happy.

“Go ahead and choose one of these to wear.”

Oh, this is exciting! Stepping closer to the open drawer, Bucky stares into the drawer. They’re weird shaped clothes that Bucky’s never seen before and each one is a different color. They look like they’ll be comfortable to wear, so he stares at them for a while and then randomly grabs one. It’s actually two items and they’re held together with a clip.

“Good job, Bucky! Those are great socks for you to wear.”

At the praise, Bucky finds himself automatically lifting his hand with the socks and showing them to the man in the photo. The man smiles back and Bucky suddenly hears a voice echo in his head.

_‘Good job, Buck! I’m so proud of you!’_

He has no idea who that voice belongs to and he knows he’s never heard it before in his life, but for some reason, it makes him feel warm and safe.

“Bucky, you did such a good job picking out your socks, so let’s pick the rest of your clothes, okay?”

Socks? Bucky has no idea what those are. But then he remembers Mike having called the things he’s holding ‘socks’ before he’d heard the man’s voice in his head. Interesting. Bucky’s never seen any socks before in his life. He stares at them and rubs the soft material between his fingers while Mike closes that drawer and pulls out another one.

“Okay, time for you to choose your underwear.”

Bucky’s never heard of underwear either and he’s never touched any, but he’s excited to see what they look like. When he looks into the drawer, he sees they’re shaped differently from the socks and they don’t look as soft, but that’s okay. As he reaches for one, he suddenly notices he only has one arm!

How strange! He should have two arms, shouldn’t he? It occurs to him to wonder where his other arm went, but it doesn’t seem like an urgent matter. He determines it doesn’t really bother him and he’d much rather pick out underwear and maybe Mike will open more drawers and Bucky will get to see more new things!

Mike lets Bucky choose things called pants and also a shirt, then he helps Bucky pull off the other clothes he’d been wearing and puts on his new clothes. They’re warm and comfortable and he feels very proud that he’d picked them out himself. After he picks out each item, he always shows the clothes to the smiling man in the photo and he hears Mike and the voice in his head praise him, making him glow with pride.

“Great job, Bucky! Now let’s go into the bathroom.”

Bucky follows Mike into another room and stares at the assortment of items on the sink. He’s never seen any of—

Suddenly, his brain stops.

*             *             *

Blinking, Bucky realizes he’s finally awake. Oh, it’s so nice to finally be awake! He’s been asleep for such a long, long time. In fact, he’s never been awake before! This—this is the first time he’s ever opened his eyes! And what a nice view to wake up to! He just woke up from endless darkness and now he’s in a bright room with many objects to look at. This is great!

“Let’s get your teeth brushed, okay?” A man says from behind him.

Surprised at the unexpected company, Bucky turns around and smiles when he sees a strange man standing behind him. “Good morning! What’s your name?”

The man smiles. It’s a kind smile that instantly makes Bucky feel good. “My name’s Mike.”

That’s a nice name. “It’s nice to meet you, Mike!”

“It’s very nice to meet you too, Bucky. Are you ready to brush your teeth?” Mike asks.

“Yes!” After being in the dark for so long, he can’t wait to explore this wonderful new world.

When Bucky turns back to the mirror, he sees there’s a photo of a man taped to it. The man is smiling and Bucky’s own lips curl into a smile in response and he feels a happy glow in his gut. The man has no name and Bucky’s never seen him before, but his heart seems to like him. He feels calm and happy when he’s looking at the smiling man’s face.

“Bucky, let’s get your teeth brushed, okay?” Mike says from behind him.

Oh, that’s exciting! “Okay!”

Mike helps him put something called toothpaste on something called a toothbrush. The toothpaste tastes sweet and he likes the sensation of the soft toothbrush bristles on his teeth. For some strange reason, his hand seems to know what to do with the toothbrush once it’s in his mouth, despite Bucky knowing he’s never held a toothbrush before in his life.

That thought is a little disconcerting and he feels his belly clench with fear. He’s never been awake before, so how does his hand know how to brush his teeth?!

He pulls the toothbrush out of his mouth and stares at the man’s photo on the mirror. He feels calmer when he’s looking at him, but he still feels scared.

“Bucky, do you feel a bit scared?” Mike asks him.

Nodding, Bucky keeps his gaze glued to the man’s smiling face. He has no name, but he makes Bucky feel a bit better.

“Here, let me play you something that’ll make you feel better,” Mike says.

Mike puts a little device on the counter and presses a button on it. Suddenly, a voice fills the bathroom.

_“You’re okay, Buck. Everything’s alright. I know you’re scared and a little confused, but everything’s okay, I promise.”_

Bucky’s breath catches in his throat. He knows that voice! That voice—it belongs to the smiling man in the photo. Bucky knows that! He _knows!_ He’s never heard this voice before and he’s never seen this man before, but he knows—he _knows_ this voice belongs to the man.

Even though that strange realization—which makes no sense—should make him feel just as scared as the toothbrush situation, Bucky feels calmer as he listens to the man’s words.

_“Trust me, Buck. Everything’s alright. You’re doing so good and you’re being so brave and everything’s alright, I promise. Don’t worry if things seem confusing. Just ignore the confusion. It doesn’t matter. You’re safe and everything’s alright. I’m very proud of you and I know you can be brave.”_

The man’s words make Bucky’s anxiety melt away and he smiles back at the man in the photo, who’s comforting words make Bucky’s heart glow. If the smiling man in the photo says that Bucky’s okay, then he’s okay. There’s nothing to be scared of. If the smiling man in the photo says Bucky should ignore the confusion and that he knows Bucky can do it, then he can do it. He _knows_ that. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he knows.

He can continue using the toothbrush, and even if he doesn’t understand why his hand knows how to use it when he’s never held a toothbrush before in his life, he doesn’t have to worry about it because the man-with-no-name’s voice said he doesn’t have to worry about it.

Feeling much better, Bucky sticks the toothbrush back into his mouth and brushes his teeth.

When he’s done, Mike hands him a comb and tells him he should use it to brush his hair. Bucky likes the look of the plastic blue comb and he reaches for it—

Suddenly, his brain stops.

*             *             *

He looks down at his hand and sees that his hand is holding a strange object. How bizarre! He just woke up, so how can he be holding anything in his hand?!

He stares at the object. He doesn’t know what this is. He’s never seen anything like it before. In fact, he’s never held anything in his hand before. “What’s this?” He asks, hoping somebody can tell him.

“It’s a comb, Bucky.”

Bucky startles at the voice coming from beside him and looks over to see a strange man standing next to him. Oh, it’s wonderful to see another human being! He hasn’t seen any other people in so long. He’s been asleep and alone for so long. This is delightful! “Good morning! What’s your name?”

The man smiles. “My name’s Mike.”

Oh, this is great! Now he knows the man’s name. “It’s nice to meet you, Mike!”

“It’s very nice to meet you too, Bucky. Are you ready to comb your hair?” Mike asks.

“Yes!” Combing his hair sounds wonderful. He hasn’t ever done it before, but as he lifts the comb to his hair, his hand seems to remember how to do it. But…that make no sense!

How can his hand know how to use this object when he’s never seen it before?! Bucky feels a bit scared and his stomach clenches.

“Bucky, are you feeling a little scared?” Mike asks him.

Bucky nods miserably, his jaw clenching and his stomach coiling with fear.

“Did you see the photo on the mirror?” Mike points at the mirror and when Bucky follows his finger, he notices a photo of a man’s face is taped to the mirror. He’s smiling and his smile is full of kindness and warmth and Bucky immediately feels his jaw loosen and his stomach calming a little. Looking at the man’s face makes warmth and comfort replace the dark fear in his gut.

“Let me play you something that’ll make you feel even better, Bucky.”

Suddenly, a new voice fills the bathroom.

_“You’re okay, Buck. Everything’s alright. I know you’re scared and a little confused, but everything’s okay, I promise.”_

That’s—that’s the voice of the man in the photo! Bucky drops the object in his hand to the counter and reaches out to touch the smiling man’s face. He listens to his voice and it makes him feel calmer. The man is saying Bucky’s okay and he should ignore his confusion.

And Bucky knows he needs to listen to what the man is saying. The man has no name and Bucky’s never seen him before, but the man’s voice and his face make him feel safe and happy, so he’ll do what he says. He trusts that voice and he trusts the smiling man. He’s never seen him before in his life, but he trusts him.

Taking a deep breath, Bucky lifts the comb up and watches his reflection in the mirror with fascination and a bit of fear as his hand starts pulling the comb through his hair.

But whenever he starts to get overwhelmed with fear again, he just glances at the man’s photo, or Mike presses the button and man’s voice starts again.

*             *             *

When he finally wakes up after sleeping for such a long, long time, he sees there’s an object in his hand and some food on flat, circular thing. Oh, he’s so happy to finally be awake! It’s been nothing but endless darkness and loneliness for so long.

He’s never seen this object in his hand before, but when he tightens his grip on it…his hand starts moving on its own! It uses the device to pick up some yellow food from the circular thing and brings it to his mouth.

It’s a little scary that his hand is doing this, but the yellow food tastes very good! It tastes fluffy and a little chewy.

He lets his hand keep feeding him until all the yellow food is gone, then he puts the device down and sits, staring at the other people eating. It’s wonderful to see so many people around him after being alone in the darkness for so long!

“Bucky?”

He startles at the unexpected voice. That’s—that’s his name! He knows that’s his name. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he _knows_.

He looks up and sees a man sitting across the table from him, smiling kindly at him. Bucky’s never seen the man before, but it’s important to be polite. “Good morning! What’s your name?”

The man’s kind smile widens. “My name’s Mike.”

Mike sounds like a nice name. “It’s nice to meet you, Mike!”

“It’s very nice to meet you too, Bucky. You have a visitor! Would you like to see him?” Mike asks.

“Yes!” After the endless night, he’s excited about seeing even more people. And Mike says somebody’s here to see him specifically? Oh, that makes him feel good!

Mike brings him out of the room and down a hallway.

There’s a strange man standing by the big glass doors at the end of the hallway. Bucky doesn’t know his name, but seeing his face immediately fills Bucky with excitement and his heart starts to race.

He knows this man! He _knows_ this man! He’s never seen him before in his life, but he knows him!

Grinning, Bucky runs towards him, his whole body lit up with joy. The man-with-no-name is smiling too and he looks very happy. The man-with-no-name opens his arms and Bucky runs right into them and hugs him tight.

He notices he can’t hug the man very tight, but that’s less important than the joy he’s feeling.

“Hello!” Bucky says.

“Hi, Buck! Do you know my name?” The man-with-no-name asks, hugging Bucky tight. Hearing the man call him ‘Buck’ makes Bucky’s heart glow and he realizes he recognizes the man’s voice. It occurs to him how strange that should be—why is the man’s face and voice familiar when he’s never seen him before and he doesn’t know his name?!—but his body is too full of joy to feel scared.

“No. What’s your name?” Bucky mumbles into the man’s shoulder. He smells familiar and wonderful and Bucky never wants to let him go.

“My name’s Steve.”

Steve! He knows that name. Bucky pulls back from the hug and touches Steve’s face, so thrilled to see him. “I know you!”

Steve has a big smile on his face and his arms are rubbing Bucky’s sides. “I know you do. You ready to go for a walk, pal?”

Bucky doesn’t have an opinion about going for a walk. He’s too busy feeling joy at seeing Steve. “Okay.”

Steve holds his hand and they go out through the big glass doors and walk down a cobblestone pathway which cuts through a lush, green lawn.

“Do you wanna hear a story, Buck?”

Bucky’s overjoyed that Steve—the man who’s voice and face and hugs make him feel so happy—is willing to tell him a story! “Yes, please.”

“Okay. Do you remember where you were born?”

Bucky tries to remember, but he has no idea. “Nope.” He realizes that once again, that realization should probably scare him, but it doesn’t. The idea of being scared when he’s with Steve seems absurd. He knows he doesn’t have to be scared when Steve’s here.

“It’s a place called Brooklyn. We grew up there, you and me.”

That’s news to him. He just woke up for the first time in his life, but he also grew up somewhere else! How interesting! “Oh?”

“Yeah. Every week, my ma would count up how much money she had and if she had any pennies leftover, she’d give them to us. You know what we’d do with them?”

He has no idea, but he’s excited to find out. He’s loving this story! “What?”

“We’d go to the grocery store and buy penny candy. Mostly caramels and taffy.”

“Oh! That sounds like fun.”

Steve grins and squeezes his hand as they walk. “It was.”

“Did you try to eat all of the candy before we got home?”

Steve laughs. “Yeah, but you wouldn’t let me. You were taller than me, so you could hold the bag above your head and I couldn’t reach it.”

Steve’s laughter makes Bucky laugh. He feels so happy!

Bucky stares at a beautiful tree that he walks past and—

Suddenly, his brain stops.

*             *             *

Blinking, Bucky realizes he’s finally awake! Finally! Oh, this is wonderful. He’s finally awake after being in the dark for so long and now he gets to see a tree! And what a beautiful tree it is!

That’s when he notices something strange. He’s holding somebody’s hand. He just woke up and he’s walking around and holding somebody’s hand?! That’s confusing and makes him feel a little scared.

He glances down at the hand and follows it to the man walking beside him. As he stares at the man, he feels overcome with a sense of happiness and the fear vanishes.

Yanking them to a stop, Bucky steps closer to the man and grins at him. Oh, he knows this face! He doesn’t know his name, but he knows this face! It’s strange, because Bucky just woke up and hasn’t seen any other people before, but he knows this face.

He feels overcome with the desire to hug this man-with-no-name, so he does. The man-with-no-name wraps his arms around him, holding him tight.

“Hello!” Bucky says.

The man-with-no-name squeezes him tight. “Hi, Buck!”

Hearing the man call him ‘Buck’ makes Bucky’s heart glow. He knows that’s his name. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he does.

“What’s your name?” Bucky buries his face in the man’s shoulder and inhales his scent. It’s familiar and makes him feel amazing.

“My name’s Steve.”

Steve! He knows that name. Bucky pulls back from the hug and smiles at Steve, so happy to see him. “I know that name! I know you!”

Steve’s smile is like the sun and the moon and everything amazing in this new world and fills Bucky with so much joy that he feels like he’s going to burst. “I know you do. You ready to go back home, pal?”

Bucky doesn’t have an opinion about going home. He doesn’t even know where ‘home’ is, but he doesn’t care. He’s too busy feeling joy at seeing Steve. “Okay.”

Steve holds his hand and they walk down the cobblestoned pathway they’d been standing on, winding their way through the lush, green lawn.

“Do you wanna hear a story, Buck?”

Steve’s going to tell him a story? Oh, that’s wonderful! “Oh, yes! I love stories,” Bucky says, squeezing Steve’s hand and swinging their arms as they walk.

Steve chuckles. “I know you do. Do you remember what your favorite subject was at school?”

He tries to remember, but he has no idea. He hasn’t ever gone to school before because he just woke up from the endless darkness. Surprisingly, this strange realization doesn’t make him feel scared because he’s with Steve and there’s no room in his body and mind for fear when he’s with Steve. “Nope.”

“You loved geography. You loved learning about different countries and the people who lived in faraway places.”

That’s news to him. He just woke up for the first time in his life, but he also had a favorite subject at school?! What a strange world he woke up in! “Really?”

“Yeah. Whenever we’d find scraps of paper, you’d doodle world maps on ‘em and make up stories about people who lived in other countries.”

That sounds like fun. “I bet I told good stories, huh?”

Steve laughs. “Oh, yeah.”

Bucky smiles, feeling happy that he made Steve laugh. They’re nearing the end of the cobblestoned pathway and Bucky sees a big building. He’s never seen it before in his life.

“Do you know that building, Buck?”

“No.”

“That’s where you—”

Suddenly, his brain stops.

*             *             *

Blinking, Bucky finally wakes up. He’s had nothing but darkness for so long, and he’s suddenly surrounded by light and beautiful green grass and a big building. There’s color in the world again! Oh, this is amazing!

“Buck?”

The sound of the strange voice next to him startles him but he knows that voice and it doesn’t scared him. In fact, that voice fills him with comfort.

When he looks next to him, he’s surprised to find that he’s holding a man’s hand and follows it up to a man who’s standing next to him. He doesn’t know this man’s name, but as soon as he looks at him, he feels his heart glow with joy.

He feels overcome with the desire to hug this man-with-no-name, so he does. The man-with-no-name wraps his arms around him, holding him tight.

“Hello!” Bucky says.

 The man-with-no-name squeezes him tight. “Hi, Buck! Do you know my name?”

Hearing the man call him ‘Buck’ makes Bucky’s heart sing. “No. What’s your name?” Bucky mumbles into the man’s shoulder. He smells wonderful and familiar.

“My name’s Steve.”

Steve! He knows that name. Bucky pulls back from the hug and touches Steve’s face, his heart ready to burst. “Oh, I know you!”

Steve has a big smile on his face and his arms rubbing Bucky’s sides. “I know you do. You ready to go inside, pal?”

Bucky smiles and presses his forehead against Steve’s, feeling very happy. “Where inside?”

“This building. You live here, Buck.”

Well, isn’t that convenient? He just woke up and he has a new place to live in? What a great world he woke up in!

But he finds himself hesitating about wanting to go inside. He wants Steve to come with him. It’s very important to stay close to Steve. “Are you coming too?”

Steve gives him a comforting smile and pulls up their clasped hands to kiss the back of Bucky’s. “Of course! We’re gonna watch some baseball.”

Baseball? He doesn’t know what that is. “What’s that? I’ve never heard of that before.”

“I know, don’t worry. I’ll tell you all about it. Come on.”

Then Steve leads him into the strange building, but Bucky feels no fear about being in new surroundings because he’s with Steve. There’s no room in his mind and body for fear when he’s with Steve.

*             *             *

After they’d finished eating dinner, Steve says goodbye to Bucky—never good night, because Bucky has no concept of night and day anymore—and he’s heading towards the doors of the facility to go home.

“Steve!”

Steve spins around and sees Dr. Gruber walking towards him. “Hi, Tracey! How are you?”

She smiles. “I’m great, thank you. How are you?”

“Good! Buck and I had a great day.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, he had a few seven and eight minute stretches while we were watching baseball.”

“That’s great! He hasn’t any stretches that long for about three months, hasn’t he?”

Steve shrugs with a smile. He stopped keeping track of these things. Bucky’s memory completely resets every five minutes and that’s a fact Steve has come to accept. “I have no idea. I just cherish the longer stretches when they come, but I don’t expect them. I always make my stories less than four minutes long, and if Buck and I have extra time to chat about them, that’s a gift that I’m gonna treasure while it happens.”

She smiles, looking proud. “I’m so proud of you, you know that? Even six years later, Bucky still has the most extreme case of amnesia I’ve ever seen.”

“I know. But that’s the hand we’ve been dealt, so that’s the hand we’re gonna live with.”

He knows how proud his therapist is whenever Steve says things like that and really means them.

*             *             *

When he’d first found Bucky in that abandoned Hydra bunker six years ago, strapped to the electro-shock chair, the guilt had been overwhelming. If he’d gotten there a day earlier, or even a few hours earlier, he could have rescued Bucky before the technicians had left him strapped in the running machine for hours.

The fact that Bucky survived at all was a miracle enough, but it soon became clear that Bucky had suffered permanent brain damage and had extreme anterograde amnesia and retrograde amnesia. He’d lost nearly all of his past memories, and the brain damage made it impossible for him to form new memories. His brain wasn’t even capable of forming complex thoughts anymore. All it could do was allow Bucky to live five minutes at a time before resetting.

The one thing that’s amazed all of the doctors from the start was that Bucky always seemed to remember Steve, without having any memories of him. Something deep inside Bucky just knew who Steve was and reacted to seeing his face or his voice, even though he couldn’t remember anything about him.

As the months had gone by and the serum had done nothing to fix the damage and Bucky’s brain scans hadn’t shown any change, Steve’s guilt had grown and ended up nearly killed him.

Sam had finally forced him to go to intensive therapy where Steve had eventually managed to get past the guilt and the ‘what-ifs’ that had plagued his dreams.

Another problem had been Bucky’s metal arm. He had no memories of receiving the metal arm and he’d get hysterical whenever he ‘woke up’ and saw it. Five minutes was never enough time to explain to him why he had the prosthetic arm and Steve never had enough time to calm him down before he reset and everything started again. Sometimes Bucky wouldn’t notice the arm before resetting, but there were some days he’d constantly see it as soon as he ‘woke up’ and he’d spend the entire day in a state of panic and fear without understanding the reasons behind it.

The metal arm didn’t just impact Bucky negatively in an emotional way, but it was heavy and was designed to be used as a weapon of brute force. Sometimes Bucky’s fear would make him lash out with the arm and there had been multiple times where he’d injured somebody on his medical team.

Bucky’s fear of the arm had steadily increased and sometimes he’d even hurt himself; clawing at his shoulders until it was bloody in a desperate attempt to get the arm off himself. Other times, he’d shove the metal arm as far away from him as he could get it and just sob hysterically, wanting to get it away from him.

On the very bad days when Bucky was hurting himself or other people, they had to keep Bucky restrained to the bed, which only made him more upset. Steve would feel absolutely helpless, sitting by Bucky’s side and having to explain to him over and over again why he was strapped down and trying to comfort him the best he could. That additional stress had made Bucky’s condition—and Steve’s mental health—take a nose dive and the staff resorted to keeping him lightly sedated on the days when he noticed the arm a lot so he wouldn’t hurt anybody or himself but could still freely move around. But all of them knew keeping Bucky sedated wasn’t a healthy long-term solution and it was preventing him from being able to make any progress.

Unfortunately, Bucky didn’t have the mental capacity to decide whether he wanted the arm removed or not. Five minutes wasn’t even enough time to properly explain to him that the arm was his, never mind discuss serious medical issues with him.

As Bucky’s medical proxy, it was up to Steve to decide what to do about the arm. He hated the idea of just taking it away from Bucky and leaving him with only one arm, but after weeks of seeing how the presence of the arm was making Bucky suffer, Steve finally made the decision to get the arm removed. Bucky wasn’t using the arm properly anyway and it was causing him so much stress that Steve decided it was the best decision.

To all of their relief—especially Steve and Bucky’s—Bucky’s mental state improved tremendously after they removed the arm. He rarely seemed to notice that he was missing his left arm, and when he did, it never seemed to bother him too much. His brain quickly adjusted to doing everything with just one hand and Bucky was surrounded by staff members who helped him with anything that wasn’t easy to do with one hand.

Steve had met with many different medical professionals over the years and he’d made the decision that giving Bucky a prosthetic would be too difficult for him to deal with at this point. He’d need to do extensive physical rehabilitation in order to learn how to use the new arm and due to his memory problems, that would have been stressful and traumatic for him.

If Bucky’s condition ever improves, Steve will re-examine their options. But for now, Bucky doesn’t seem upset about only having one arm and keeping Bucky happy and stress free is what’s most important.

After eight months in the hospital, Bucky’s condition had stabilized enough for him to be released and Steve hadn’t thought twice before taking Bucky home with him.

That turned out to be a terrible mistake. Bucky required twenty-four hour care and Steve hadn’t understood Bucky’s illness well and didn’t have the training in how to deal with it. He’d quickly gotten overwhelmed and that had led to Bucky suffering even more.

Steve had finally listened to Sam and brought Bucky to this permanent care facility, where Bucky’s quality of life had improved by being surrounded by trained professionals. His actual condition never improved and there’s no sign that it ever will, but he’s happy and healthy and that’s what’s most important. Steve headed right back to therapy and worked to accept Bucky’s permanent illness.

After seeing how well Bucky was doing at the facility, Steve was sure that his presence would just aggravate Bucky and result in him losing the precious little progress he’s capable of, so Steve stayed away, despite how much it had pained him.

He’d had to deal with losing the love of his life once, then he’d gotten him back, only to lose him again but in a very different and more painful way. Bucky was here, but he’d never be the Bucky he used to be. Unfortunately, Steve spent months focused on that sad fact instead of trying to accept their new reality.

At the same time, the staff at the facility reported that Bucky had gotten increasingly moody and aggressive. Bucky hadn’t understood why he was upset and thus, he wasn’t able to discuss the issue with the staff. He just felt angry and upset and got violent with the staff on multiple occasions.

One of the staff members had finally shown Bucky a picture of Steve, and that had immediately calmed Bucky down. It had made them all realize that Bucky had been desperately missing Steve, despite having no memories of him. The lack of Steve’s presence in Bucky’s life had a profound impact on him and it was making him miserable.

Dr. Gruber had called Steve and asked him if he was willing to reconsider visiting Bucky. If it was too hard, that would be understandable and the staff would try to help Bucky as best as they could. But if Steve felt he could handle interacting with Bucky in a healthy and regular way, then they’d teach him how to do it.

The fact that Bucky had missed Steve—without really remembering who he was—had made Steve realize that they could still have a life together, so he’d worked hard to learn how to interact with Bucky properly and how to keep both of them happy.

He now visits Bucky several times a week and the time they spend together is precious and wonderful for both of them, even if they have to start again every five minutes.

*             *             *

Tracey is giving him a look that Steve knows well. He gives her a knowing smile. “You’re gonna ask if you can add a few new people to my group, aren’t you?”

She grins. “Am I that obvious?”

“Yes. Yes, you are,” he laughs. “The next meeting’s on Thursday, so you can give them my number and have them call me beforehand if they wanna know what the session’s gonna be like, or they can just show up on Thursday.”

“Okay, thank you. They’ve really been struggling and I know they’d appreciate being part of the support group.”

Steve smiles. “I look forward to meeting them.”

Tracey reaches out a hand and squeezes his arm. “I really am proud of you, you know. Your progress has been amazing.”

“Thank you. I won’t say it hasn’t been hard as hell, but I feel good these days. And if I feel good and Buck feels good, that’s all that matters.”

“I just wish I had better news to give you about his condition. We’re still scanning him once a month.”

“I know you are and I’m grateful you’re not giving up hope completely, but I’m fine with it. I accepted that this is gonna be our lives from now on, and I’m fine with it. Buck’s the love of my life, I’m the love of his life and just having him be alive, getting to spend time with him and seeing how happy he is to be with me is enough.”

And it really is. Time has always treated them so badly, so the fact that time is now irrelevant for Bucky is oddly fitting.

The past is just a source of good stories.

The future is an unknown which nobody can control.

The only piece of time that needs to be cherished is the present.

**Author's Note:**

> Anterograde amnesia refers to an individual who can’t create new memories. In Bucky’s case, his memory resets every 5 minutes and he has no recollection of what happened prior to that. Retrograde amnesia refers to an individual who loses all or most of their long term memories. Bucky retains some of his long term memories, but they’re mostly procedural memories (ie how to do specific tasks), not declarative memories (ie recalling specific facts like people’s names).
> 
> The inspiration for this fic came from the life of Clive Wearing, who suffers from the same condition as Bucky. [Here](https://youtu.be/k_P7Y0-wgos) is a documentary about Clive’s life.


End file.
